I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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