my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize