the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
