Duck Duck Cougar?
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
