my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
