and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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