Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
