i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
We're too hungover to prance.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
