I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
