I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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