Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
