Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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