yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Randomize
