my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
