maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
