What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
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He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
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Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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