I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
We got so high we made milksteak
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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