My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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