FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
