I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Randomize
