I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex