Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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