WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?