I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
