Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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