I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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