Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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