i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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