how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
