I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.