i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
