YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
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I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.