no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?