She tied me up with her honor cords...
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.