they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
