He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
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