I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
