he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
