Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
