Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
