Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
