Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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