Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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