Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
