she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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