ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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