The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
