did you get engaged???
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I don't deserve a penis
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
