You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
