I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize
