Small penises have feelings too.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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