My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I intend to get homeless drunk
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
