Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
