You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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