Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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