I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You had me at "let me see your balls"
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
