So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
