Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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