Don't make out with my wife yet
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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