Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
