my mouth tastes like poor choices
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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