Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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