Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
