Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
