They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Operation Purity has been aborted
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
