i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
