Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
